Reminiscing - My Pregnancy & Birth Story

Perhaps you've heard a lot of horror stories of pregnancy and childbirth. There certainly are many out there. I hope that if you are considering having children one day, or if you simply want to hear a story of God's goodness, you will enjoy this story of God's faithfulness and compassion to me.

Before Pregnancy

My mom gave me a synopsis of a very mild version of pregnancy and birth when I was probably just six or seven years old. I, afraid of pain of all kinds, declared that I would never have children. It sounded overwhelming and beyond anything I could ever handle.

I think my mom thought I would grow out of that fear. I did not. At twenty-six years old, I made it very clear to my fiancé that I would never be up for having biological children. My fear of childbirth was every bit as strong now as it had been at six or seven.

After we got married a longing for biological children took my husband by surprised. He asked me to reconsider. I did not. I was firmly opposed to having children, knowing my weakness, propensity to anxiety about all things medical, and aversion to pain.

It was a few years into our marriage that I unexpectedly had a miscarriage at eight weeks. I was shocked. I had thought that pregnancy would be so bad that I would not be able to handle it for even a few days, but I had made it eight weeks through pregnancy and managed to recover from a miscarriage.

I started to question my weakness and fear. I wanted to experience what it would be like to look at the screen during an ultrasound and instead of seeing an empty womb, see a little person. I wondered. Could I survive childbirth since I survived a miscarriage? Perhaps I was being naïve. Surely, I would never handle childbirth.

But I couldn't shake the desire to have a child.

Lord, I am afraid of childbirth and even just pregnancy in general. The idea makes me feel panicked. But part of me longs to have children. Is there a way that You can sustain me through it? Will the blessing outweigh the pain somehow by Your grace?"

In October, I took three pregnancy tests back-to-back in one morning...surely it couldn't be!

We were expecting a baby.

The weeks that followed were nothing short of miraculous to me. I experienced limited morning sickness, with only intense aversions to foods and smells for about six weeks. I never lost my supper or struggled to maintain my weight. God carried me through and at seven weeks,

We heard a strong heartbeat.

During Pregnancy

The second trimester was easier than the first as it often is. The biggest challenge came during the third trimester. Pregnancy with type 1 diabetes can involve some added hurdles. My blood sugar required twice as much insulin during the third trimester as it did during the first.

The doctors also had a lot of concerns. By the end of the third trimester, I was getting a non-stress test once a week to make sure our baby still had a strong heartbeat and I was getting an ultrasound once a week to make sure our baby was still growing properly, the amniotic fluid was at just the right level, and the placenta was properly intact. It was tiresome, and there were days I wanted to be left alone. In fact, probably the most frustrating feeling that I struggled with during pregnancy was the feeling that I wanted the medical field to leave me alone a bit.

God answered my prayer. I adored being pregnant. The idea that there was a little person growing inside me gave me joy when before it had given me anxiety.

They decided in the end to induce me at 38 and a half weeks to prevent any added complications from diabetes. The list of things to prevent included a detached placenta, amniotic fluid levels decreasing, and higher blood sugars all threatening stillbirth.

Less than a week before induction, I met a new doctor on the medical team who spoke with me about shoulder dystocia. I was already aware that because I was carrying a larger baby, there was a concern that she might get stuck on the way out. Her shoulders could get trapped. I was aware that there was a long list of medical interventions that would have to be done quickly to prevent death. But this doctor shared these things again with me, making it sound like a very real and likely threat. She mentioned death, and I quickly found myself planning and mentally preparing to burry our child. Since I already had the understanding that the worst-case scenario was death, hearing it spoken of after we had taken precautions and already discussed it previously made it feel like this was not just a complication we were working to prevent, but a very likely outcome given our current plan. I had a difficult time with that information and questioned our birth plan. But my husband felt confident that we should not change the birth plan.

The Birth

We got to the hospital for the induction on Sunday night, July 7th. That first night, the main goal was to put in an IV. that was SUCH an ordeal. IVs cause me anxiety anyway, and it took several attempts to get this one. They dug around on my hand for a while and finally had to call in the anesthesiologist to do it. She even had trouble. I had bruises. I was feeling dizzy and anxious at this point. If I couldn't even survive an IV, how would I ever survive childbirth? Of course, I did survive the IV, but it was a real challenge.

They started with Cytotec. This medication was used to get the cervix ready for childbirth. Effacement, dilation, and station were measured - in other words, how ready my body was for birth and where the baby was positioned. These were not looking promising. She was not ready to come out anytime soon. Monday, nothing happened. It was Tuesday at noon and still NOTHING had moved the needle. We were no closer to meeting our baby girl than we had been on Sunday night.

The midwife came in and offered a choice. Either we go straight to Pitocin, which she would never recommend as a first step, or we would go home and wait. A third option that she strongly did not recommend was to schedule a C-section.

We deliberated to no avail. Would this baby ever come out? My husband had already used two days of paternity leave.

"You know what? You're here. Let's just start Pitocin, and if it doesn't do anything, you can go home," Karen, the midwife, said suddenly.

We both nodded our agreement.

A nap was in order as Pitocin started. After two hours, something awoke me from my nap. Something felt different. I had been having Braxton Hicks for quite some time, but this one was a stronger one.

The nurse came in to check vitals as usual, and I sat up and mentioned the stronger sensation. Then, my water broke. Right there in the bed at 3:00pm.

After that, I tried to go back to sleep, but I just couldn't get comfortable. I got up and sat on a birth ball and watched a favorite YouTube show about a Korean woman and her daughter making homemade foods in their beautiful German cottagecore home. The midwife let me order a full dinner as I watched my show. The show sort of felt like it hypnotized me. It's rather hard to explain. I was so relaxed and calm, and so zoned out of everything else. My brain fixed in on only what I was seeing, and I felt my whole body and awareness go into a tunnel. I was hyper-focused on only one thing at a time.

Supper was difficult to eat. I kept feeling a little upset in my stomach after each bite. But still, I really wasn't in pain. I could sit and laugh and meet the evening staff, talk on the phone, but about every two or three minutes, I would get hit with a cramping sensation not unlike a period cramp. With it, I would feel a tightness wrap around my hips and sometimes my lower back. If would feel like a 200lb man was sitting on my pelvic area. Terribly uncomfortable, but not painful.

The midwife arrived some time before 8:00pm. I was starting to feel VERY uncomfortable. She gave us a few tips on counterpressure and helped Joshua apply pressure to my lower back. But the intensity mounted. I had no idea what time it was. Time and space grew dim. I zoned in on breathing in and humming a low vowel sound as I exhaled. I could hardly speak, and I did not want anyone to talk to me. I tried to listen to my worship playlist, but it did nothing to help. I couldn't register what I was hearing, let alone worship as I had hoped. I was tuning everything out.

They drew a bath for me, but I was unsure at this point if it would even help nor did I have any idea how I was going to walk there.

"Would you rather have us check for dilation?" I nodded. They helped me to the bed. I was four centimeters, fully effaced. Girl was on her way! The midwife recommended that if I was going to get an epidural, I do so now.

Looking back, I am so grateful she made that recommendation. Within a few minutes, the intensity was through the roof. I felt like there was no break between contractions. They were rolling one on top of the other without a break in between at all. Perhaps it was the Pitocin, or perhaps I was actually getting closer to transition than anyone would have guessed.

The epidural was not administered for another hour. It was midnight when the epidural was in place, and I was helped onto my back in the bed. I was able to sleep for an hour and a half.

The midwife woke me up at 3:00am to check dilation again, and I was 10 centimeters! It was time to push.

I pushed for just under two hours. Joshua paced the room nervously. He would tell me later that the fear of shoulder dystocia was overwhelming him. I remember his hands clasped nervously and the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head as he paced the length of the room.

At first, I thought that seeing what was going on in a mirror would creep me out, but then I agreed. I could see her full head of hair as she prepared to crown. I expected her to get stuck, but she shot out "like a torpedo" in the words of my husband.

All our fears were instantly put to rest.

She was beautiful. They laid her on my chest right away. Five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot, she was perfect. She did start to turn grey, so they gave her less than 30 seconds of oxygen. She pinked up nicely. The cord had been wrapped around her neck twice, but it only took a few seconds to undo that. Daddy got to cut the cord.

When I look back and think of my fears and how completely at peace I was throughout the birth, I am reminded of God's goodness to be faithful to me then. And I am also reminded of how marvelous His plan is for motherhood. It's so innate. He has created such a beautiful thing! I felt as if I was made to do this. Childbirth was not scary or painful for me. I found it to be intense and uncomfortable, but never agonizing or painful.

I never once felt afraid.

God has answered my prayer in a beautiful way.

We joyfully met our Vivian Nancy Jayne and entered a season of parenting without trauma or anguish.

The LORD is good, a stronghold int he day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him. Nahum 1:7